Twelve Seconds in the Inverted Ballroom

Bram —no, but the bit I keep coming back to is Benny, right, the nine-year-old, butterfly sword, he's just standing there and this horse-god-thing rears up and he goes ting, parries the hoof, like it's nothing, like he's been—

Pip he's nine.

Bram he's nine! He's been this size since he was zero days old, and he just—

Maeve Ki-Rin.

Bram what?

Maeve the horse-god. It's a Ki-Rin.

Bram that's what I said.

Maeve you said horse-god-thing.

Pip how do you even spell that, is it like the candy—

Maeve no.

Pip okay.

Bram anyway he parries it, and the line — what was the line, "nine-year-old Benny parries a Ki-Rin's hoof with a fucking butterfly," I think he said butterfly, not butterfly sword, just butterfly—

Maeve he said butterfly.

Pip see that's better. The sword ruins it.

Bram the sword ruins it, yeah.

Pip but okay wait, why is he even still hitting it though. Didn't he get charmed by the thing? Like it's drooling blood everywhere and he can't bring himself to—

Bram crit fail on the will save, yeah, falls right under its little peace aura—

Maeve there's an intelligence behind its eyes you can't bring yourself to snuff out. Josh's words.

Pip ohh that's gross. That's good and gross.

Bram and Anzu does the — what's the Anakin — "I shouldn't have done that," right as the save tanks—

Pip Anzu's the worst. Lovingly. But the worst.

Bram this is also where the Double Slice thing happens, because Benny had the second hit—

Pip oh the rules lawyering.

Bram right, so is it one hit or is it two hits, because the damage combines, so if it's one hit then the compulsion hasn't kicked in yet so the second part still lands—

Maeve Josh allowed it.

Bram Josh allowed it! "We will allow the second hit to go off."

Pip that's Argyle's whole thing though, isn't it, finding the loophole in your own oath—

Bram that's Argyle, that's not Benny—

Pip I know, I'm saying the table's got a type. Self-litigating. The lawyer who wins against himself.

Maeve that one's Argyle.

Pip I know it's Argyle, Maeve.

Bram get a — hang on — can we get another? Yeah, two. You want anything?

Pip I'm good.

Maeve I'm fine.

Bram so the whole night starts with Jorge's recap and it's a disaster—

Pip Jorge's recaps are always a disaster.

Bram it's so bad. He says they "talked to plane people."

Maeve "immediately wrong."

Bram Josh just goes "immediately wrong," doesn't even let him finish—

Pip what's plane people even mean, like—

Bram I think he meant the void stuff, the navigation, the energy—

Maeve he didn't talk to anyone from a plane.

Pip so it's just wrong.

Maeve it's just wrong.

Bram and then the Tengu — there's the two Tengu, the bird guy, Lark Crowe, and Jorge thinks there's one of him but there's—

Pip wait, two of him?

Bram two Tengu, and he assumes they're the same Tengu, and Josh accuses him of being racist—

Pip ha—

Maeve there's one Lark Crowe.

Bram there's—

Maeve one. The two bird names is the joke. Lark, Crowe. Both birds.

Pip ohh, I thought—

Bram I thought there were two—

Maeve one guy. Josh said the two bird names is just a bit, there's no secret to it.

Pip that's so disappointing.

Bram it is a little disappointing.

Pip like you build a guy with two bird names you want there to be a—

Maeve there isn't.

Pip yeah. Okay.

Bram oh, and the Radiant Arms gun. The hand cannon. The big — what was it, point seven five—

Maeve caliber.

Bram point seven five caliber, Benny gets one shot off, it's incredible, and then the gun just—

Pip it dies?

Bram it self-destructs. One good shot and it's gone.

Pip "just a tap'll do ya."

Bram that's literally their motto—

Maeve that's the motto.

Pip see I remembered something.

Bram "Benny shot a big gun." That's all anyone'll say about it. Benny shot a big gun.

Pip I mean. He did though.

Bram he did.

Pip okay so back up, because the thing I actually want to know — why are they even still on the dance floor. The portal opens, the horses come out—

Bram the Ki-Rin—

Pip the Ki-Rin come out, the barghests come out, it's a slaughter, and they go "let's stay." Why.

Bram loot.

Pip loot.

Bram Argyle wants — what's the line — "fame, accolades, and whatever these things are going to drop."

Pip of course he does.

Maeve Johnny didn't want to.

Bram Johnny didn't want to jump in the hole, yeah, the scary black hole, and Argyle calls them all cowards—

Pip see this is the thing about Argyle—

Bram and Benny's got the bit about — okay so imagine you're an attendee, you're at a gala, and you watch these four murder a bunch of Ki-Rin and then jump into the void, and it's like—

Pip like what—

Bram like a bank robbery where one of the robbers just bites another robber's neck off. Like you're watching it and you don't have a—

Pip that's not—

Bram you don't have a frame for it—

Pip that's not the same thing at all but I see—

Bram it's about how unhinged it looks from outside—

Pip no I get the vibe, it's just not a—

Maeve it's not a bank robbery.

Bram it's not a bank robbery, no. You had to — it was funnier when he said it.

Pip it usually is.

Bram the bit about how many tokens though, the GM had like — sixty-three things on the board—

Pip sixty-three.

Bram sixty-three tokens, and he's got to do them in quadrants between the party's turns, and there's the whole—

Maeve all one HP.

Bram what?

Maeve in Foundry. Every NPC token's set to one HP. So he has to track the real damage on a side document.

Pip why would he—

Maeve he didn't group them either. "I have to select all of these individually because I am a smart man who didn't group them."

Pip ha, okay that's good.

Bram that's the self-aware Josh, that's the good Josh—

Pip I love and fear that man.

Bram I love and fear that man, yeah.

Bram oh and the rolling thing, the narration—

Pip oh the—

Bram so whenever the number's bad he goes "ah, the enemy rolled poorly," and when it's good it's "ah, I rolled well," like he—

Pip it's never his fault and always his skill.

Bram and Anzu calls it out, like immediately, like dude—

Maeve Anzu calls it every time now.

Pip as he should.

Bram the fire breath though. The Ki-Rin opens up with this divine fire, thirty-six damage—

Maeve thirty-six.

Bram and it just vaporizes two attendees, ashes blown to the wind, and Jethro—

Maeve Twill.

Bram Jethro Twill, the engineer guy, big mechanical arm, he's just barely left standing in it, like—

Pip the one with the arm. I like that guy.

Bram and later Argyle gives him ibuprofen.

Pip he gives him what?

Bram ibuprofen. Jethro's all messed up and recovering and Argyle hands him ibuprofen and invites him to their airstrip—

Pip where are they getting ibuprofen—

Maeve don't.

Pip I'm just asking where on a void ship—

Maeve don't ask.

Pip fine.

Bram and Benny gets crit'd in the same stretch, takes a clawed crit, and the wound turns black—

Pip turns black?

Bram unhealing curse. He can only be healed magically, until he's back to full, like—

Maeve curse and primal traits.

Bram so no natural healing, it just sits there black on him the whole fight—

Pip that's mean.

Bram it's mean. It haunts the rest of the session.

Pip okay but the factions, can we — because this is where it gets good, the other crews on the floor, the berserkers—

Bram the Protectorate, yeah, Tamara and — Yao—

Maeve Yao.

Bram Tamara cracks this little — what is it, an ampoule, in her teeth—

Pip an ampoule.

Bram cracks it in her teeth and the blood drains out of her face and there's this red mist just pouring off her as she goes feral—

Pip that's metal.

Bram it's so metal, and then Yao does his Divine Wrath and it would've hit Argyle except—

Maeve he rolls a will save to recognize him.

Bram rolls to recognize Argyle and spares him, just him, and vaporizes three—

Pip three random guys.

Bram three unknowns, yeah, just gone—

Pip the berserkers don't care who's friend or foe, that's the thing, that's what makes them scary—

Bram that's exactly it.

Pip and Argyle's like "the Protectorate are so cool"—

Bram oh and then Bishop—

Pip right, the lightning—

Bram Mr. Bishop, the Scale guy, he twists a rod into a full spear and chucks it up into the air and it's a hundred-foot Storm of Battle, lightning raining across the whole floor—

Pip and Argyle immediately goes "no, the Scale's way cooler."

Bram instantly. Instantly flips.

Pip that's so him though. He's got no loyalty, he's just—

Bram he's a fan of whoever did the last cool thing.

Pip fickle. Fickle little man.

Maeve hundred feet.

Pip what?

Maeve the storm. Hundred feet.

Pip yeah you said.

Bram and Grayson—

Pip oh, the dominate guy—

Bram Grayson does a modified Dominate and just takes over one of the Ki-Rin, the humble one, just—

Maeve seizes it.

Bram takes control of it, and the party clocks it, like this is a hostile move, and they scramble to get the word out—

Pip to publicize it—

Bram to publicize it, yeah, because if everyone knows Grayson—

Pip white hair guy, right, the young one—

Bram stark white hair, gray eyes, the whole amber-and-black fit—

Maeve with the pulse motif in the lining.

Pip the radio people are always evil, write it down.

Bram he's not — is he a radio person—

Pip everyone fancy is a radio person eventually.

Bram that's not—

Pip write it down.

Bram okay.

Maeve he's Amber Call.

Pip see. Sounds like a radio station.

Bram it does not—

Pip Amber Call. That's a station.

Maeve it's not.

Bram anyway Anzu's racking up kills this whole time—

Pip Mindbird.

Bram Mindbird, yeah, the Psiburst, ten points of mental damage, breaks a barghest's mind, "Mindbird claims another"—

Pip he keeps stealing Benny's kills though, right—

Bram he keeps sniping them, yeah, there's one barghest with like twenty-seven HP and Anzu just—

Maeve Amped Frostbite.

Bram Amped Frostbite, and he gets temp HP off the thermal energy, like he's siphoning—

Pip so is that table beef or is that—

Bram it's friendly—

Pip is it friendly though—

Bram it's friendly. Mostly.

Pip "highest kill count of anyone," he keeps saying it—

Bram he keeps saying it. Every session.

Pip that's not nothing. That's a man keeping a list.

Bram and Argyle does the — oh, the holy water — he throws a vial of holy water across the whole floor and it dissolves a barghest AND a Ki-Rin—

Pip a three-sixty no-scope—

Bram that's what they called it, the three-sixty no-scope holy water—

Pip with the holy water.

Bram with the holy water.

Pip that rules.

Maeve Bishop was collecting souls in the back of all this.

Pip he was what now—

Maeve Claimer of the Slain. The dead attendees. He's pulling their souls.

Pip oh that's — wait, while they're fighting, he's just—

Maeve harvesting. Yeah.

Pip cool, cool, no I hate it.

Bram but okay the part — the floor clears, all the beasts are dead, but the hole's still open—

Pip the hole stays open.

Bram and Anzu rolls big on the arcana, the occultism, and figures out it's not — it's not a feature, it's not designed, it's just—

Maeve a fracture.

Bram a fracture in the weave, the tithe rips the energy out so violently it just tears a hole, and it'll self-close, but the whole ship's weave is weakened now—

Pip so more could open anywhere.

Bram anywhere, the whole voyage. It's not a one-off, it's structural.

Pip that's the worst kind of problem.

Bram and Othello scouts it—

Pip the raven.

Bram the raven, just a normal raven—

Maeve just a raven.

Bram and he sees through the portal and it's this inverted ballroom, like the ballroom upside down, and there's hands pushing through the walls like the walls are elastic—

Pip oh I don't like that—

Bram and there's a floating purple chitinous orb above a Giant hand that's been pulled out of the ground, and—

Pip a what hand—

Bram a Giant hand, like a — a hand the size of—

Maeve capital-G Giant. The creature type.

Pip oh.

Bram and Othello takes twenty void damage and books it back out—

Pip was that worth it though, like you hurt the bird for the intel—

Bram you needed to know about the echolocation—

Pip the what—

Bram the hand things don't see, they echolocate, they hear, and that matters later because of the silence—

Pip oh that's why the silence—

Bram that's why the silence, yeah, hang on, getting ahead—

Pip no but did they need to send the bird is my question, like just—

Maeve the silence plan only works because the bird learned they echolocate.

Pip ...okay fine. Fine. The bird earned it.

Bram there's the bit with Lance and the skinning—

Pip oh no—

Bram so Lance, the Scale guy, he skins everything he kills, it's just a habit, and Johnny gets—

Pip Johnny has to skin the barghests—

Bram Johnny has to skin the barghests, going "ew, ew, ew," crying basically—

Pip why's it Johnny—

Bram because Argyle made him—

Maeve Argyle had the better survival skill.

Pip wait—

Maeve and he made Johnny do it anyway.

Pip so the guy who's good at it makes the guy who's bad at it—

Bram because he thought it'd be funny.

Pip that's the reason? On record?

Bram "because I thought it'd be funny," yeah.

Pip Argyle's a menace. He wants "good for the sake of good" and then he does that.

Bram takes Johnny five tries to get one piece of usable hide—

Maeve one piece. Fifth attempt.

Pip poor Johnny.

Bram and Argyle hacks a Ki-Rin head off for a trophy and notices the blood's magical—

Pip the blood's magical, of course it is—

Bram and Bishop gives this whole grim read on the tithe system, like—

Maeve "this is right fucked."

Bram "this is right fucked, somebody designed this to cause conflict amongst us," because some attendees will start feeding other people's hearts in to pay—

Pip wait, feeding — like other people—

Bram other people's hearts, possessions, life force, to make their own tithe—

Pip so people are gonna start murdering each other to pay the toll.

Bram that's the read. As people die off it gets worse for everyone left.

Pip that's a designed cruelty.

Bram that's the whole debate, is it designed cruelty or just sloppy void-tech—

Maeve the characters argue it too. In-world.

Pip just us instead of justice, all the way down.

Bram ha—

Pip I'm just saying.

Bram oh and the wall—

Pip the wall?

Bram Josh clarifies the horizon travel doesn't get harder the further void you go, but the Joker Worlds get bigger and more dangerous, and there's a wall, past — what was it, Void one point four million—

Maeve roughly. One point four million.

Bram and nobody who goes past it comes back.

Pip nobody.

Bram nobody.

Pip and that's where they're going.

Bram that's the destination, yeah.

Pip cool. Great. No notes.

Bram so then the Voidheart—

Pip the orb.

Bram the orb, they decide to grab it before the portal closes, and they buff Benny—

Pip the nine-year-old.

Bram Godspeed, silence, guidance, they stack it all on Benny and send him sprinting eighty-five feet—

Maeve eighty-five.

Bram and Johnny's got the line, "his already blonde hair just gets longer"—

Pip ha, super saiyan—

Bram Benny goes super saiyan, yeah, and he crit-grabs it, crits the athletics—

Pip crits the grab—

Bram and the orb's got inertia, like it wants to keep moving, it's heavy in a weird way, but he gets the vice grip—

Maeve and grabbing it starts the collapse.

Bram right, the second he takes it the temperature drops, twenty degrees and falling, hands start bursting through the walls, the whole place starts degrading—

Pip because the orb was the thing holding it stable.

Bram the orb was the stabilizing energy, yeah, you pull it and the whole pocket starts coming down—

Pip so grabbing it was the worst thing they could—

Bram it was the point of the—

Pip no I know, but like—

Bram the silence is what saves them, because the hand things echolocate and the silence makes this — they can feel there's a silent void but they can't pinpoint where anyone is—

Pip ohh, okay, so they're swinging blind—

Bram swinging blind, but these things have reach—

Maeve thousand.

Pip reach what?

Maeve a thousand. Reach one thousand.

Pip feet?

Maeve it's on the stat block. Josh re-skinned a real monster. "This is a real monster."

Pip a thousand feet of reach—

Bram so it doesn't matter where you are in the room, it can hit you—

Pip so the silence doesn't even—

Bram it means it can't crit you as easy, it can't target as clean—

Pip I guess—

Bram and it goes bad, Benny and Argyle both go down, Benny's dying—

Pip Benny's dying—

Bram but before he drops he burns three actions shoving Johnny and Anzu back through the portal—

Pip shoves them through—

Bram shoves them out, then goes down, and then Johnny and Anzu dive back in to drag the bodies out one at a time—

Maeve one at a time.

Bram and Argyle — Argyle survives on a nat twenty death save—

Maeve and burns his last hero point to stabilize.

Pip cutting it—

Bram cutting it so close—

Pip faced with death Argyle probably considered it an oath loophole—

Bram ha—

Pip like "technically the oath doesn't say I have to—"

Bram and Anzu casts Gravity Well at the end—

Pip the what—

Bram Gravity Well, and it crit-fails the orb's save, so it pulls the Voidheart AND Anzu both through the portal right as the whole thing collapses—

Pip so he yanks himself and the orb out in one—

Bram in one cast, yeah, clutch, and they ALSO drag a Giant hand-creature out with them—

Pip wait they brought one of the hands BACK—

Bram into real space, yeah, one of them comes through—

Pip on purpose?

Bram I don't think on purpose—

Maeve not on purpose.

Pip so now there's a void hand-monster loose in real space and they have the magic heart orb—

Bram and from the outside—

Pip oh god, the outside view—

Bram from the attendees' perspective, the four of them buff a nine-year-old, all jump into the hole, and twelve seconds later—

Maeve twelve seconds.

Bram twelve seconds later they come back out dragging two unconscious bodies, a glowing purple orb, and a Giant hand-beast—

Pip in twelve seconds.

Bram "the whole thing took twelve seconds."

Pip and Johnny's got the line—

Bram "we have to establish immediately who the craziest people on board this ship are," and Josh just goes "and you've done it."

Pip and you've done it.

Bram and you've done it.

Pip but here's the thing, here's my whole — Johnny's also the one who said, what, "maybe you guys shouldn't have been fucking with this," right—

Bram he did say that.

Pip and he's RIGHT, and nobody listens to him, and this is the same Johnny who won't ask the radio gods the one question—

Bram oh here we go—

Pip no but it's the SAME thing, his god ghosts him, his god stops picking up the phone, and there's an all-knowing — there's Aut, there's a thing that would actually tell him why—

Bram Aut's not — you don't just—

Pip and he won't ask. He'll skin a barghest crying but he won't ask the one—

Maeve Aut's disrupted right now.

Pip what?

Maeve the Voidsong messed up Aut's whole thing. He couldn't answer straight even if Johnny asked.

Pip ...okay but he'd still ASK if he had any—

Bram you've been on this for three sessions—

Pip because it's the most him thing about him! He'd rather not know.

Bram he's gonna take Aut's deal eventually, mark my words, the oath's got a price, they just haven't—

Pip oh he'll take the deal, that's not even—

Bram bet on it.

Pip I'm not betting against you, you defended the totaled car as a "tactical loss"—

Bram it WAS a tactical—

Pip you bet on your own bad bets, that's a — I'm not—

Bram build me a hood out of a box of scraps—

Pip we're not hot rod people—

Bram we're hot rod people now—

Pip we are not—

Bram oh, and Benny posts a meme after, the Voidheart hanging out with — what's the dog—

Maeve Eerie.

Bram with Eerie, and the joke is the dog's the only one who realizes the orb is a — a bobcat—

Pip a bobcat.

Bram "the dog is the only one that realizes it's a fucking bobcat."

Pip I don't get it.

Bram it's funnier with the picture.

Pip it's always funnier with the picture.

Bram it is though.

Maeve you had to be there.

Bram that's my line.

Maeve I know.

Pip so does the hand-monster have a name, the one they dragged out, or is it just—

Bram I don't think it—

Maeve not yet.

Pip somebody's gonna have to name it and it'll be Chuck.

Bram ha—

Pip they'll get to name an eldritch void-horror and they'll pick Chuck—

Bram it's gonna be Chuck—

Pip and Grayson's gonna show up next week trying to recruit them after all that—

Bram oh, that's the read, yeah, they figure Grayson saw the whole display and might come knocking—

Pip and Argyle'll consider suicide when he goes to shake the man's hand—

Bram probably—

Maeve probably.

Pip anyway—