Crying and Critting on a City with Legs

Bram —no but the thing is they sat there for nine months, NINE months of in-world travel, getting shot at, nearly dying like four times, and not one of them says a word about where they came from until somebody pours the milk—

Pip milk and whiskey.

Bram milk and whiskey, right, and that's the magic combo, that's what cracks 'em.

Maeve Benny called it.

Pip Benny didn't want to though, that's the part—

Bram Benny hated it! Benny'd been saving the backstory up for like, what, years—

Maeve Years.

Bram years, and the second everyone else starts going around the circle he goes "this better have been worth it."

Pip which is — that's not bonding, that's just peer pressure with a deadline.

Bram it's bonding!

Pip is it? like if I have to share because everyone else shared—

Maeve They all shared.

Pip yeah but did they want to or did they just not want to be the guy who—

Bram it turned out they were all there for the same reason basically, which is the wild part, the whole "we happen to be in a car together" thing suddenly made sense—

Pip see THAT I liked. that I'll give you.

Bram nine months and nobody noticed.

Pip nobody asked! that's so them. that's so this party.

Maeve They bought a bomb the next morning.

Pip ha — yeah.

Bram oh the bomb, the bomb's great, because it's just — it wouldn't be one of our groups unless we had a, you know, a cache of a bomb or something just sitting in the—

Pip "just in case."

Bram just in case! and then NPR's playing in the car—

Pip wait was it NPR or—

Bram it was the in-world NPR, the, whatever it is, and they're just shooting the shit driving to a pilgrimage and the twins are in the back doing magic—

Pip the creepy twins. love the creepy twins. doing what magic though, like what were they actually—

Bram doesn't matter, it's vibes, it's twins-in-the-backseat vibes—

Maeve They sensed the car got tampered with.

Bram right, so somebody's messing with the car, they pull over, and there's a thing stuck to the roof—

Pip on the roof.

Bram on the roof, and so naturally — naturally — they just rip the whole roof off the car and throw it.

Pip the bonnet.

Bram the bonnet, yeah, they kept calling it the bonnet—

Maeve That's the hood.

Bram huh?

Maeve Bonnet's the hood. Roof's the roof.

Bram well they called it the bonnet and somebody said that's a twenty thousand dollar part on a real G-Wagon—

Pip and they just chucked it.

Bram chucked it! with the bomb on it! and then the ambusher's standing there trying to set off the bomb on the roof that's now in a ditch like forty feet away—

Pip that's the best part, he hits the button and it's just — nowhere near them.

Maeve They threw the bomb away.

Pip was it genius though or did they just total their car? like—

Bram it's genius!

Pip it's a totaled car, Bram.

Bram it's improvised genius, those are different from regular—

Pip and then there's a guy with a rocket launcher—

Bram ROCKET launcher, yeah, like a Scott Pilgrim evil ex, just shows up with a rocket—

Maeve Benny dodged it.

Bram Benny does the — what's the drive called—

Maeve Mindbird.

Bram the Mindbird drive, and the rocket like SKIPS off the car, like Dragon Ball Z, like it just—

Pip it skipped?

Bram it skipped! and then they scare everybody off with a fake dragon—

Pip an illusion dragon.

Bram huge fake dragon, scares off most of the attackers, blows out one of their tires so they're stranded—

Maeve Stranded for the next pilgrims.

Pip oh that's mean actually. they just left them there to ambush whoever comes next.

Bram well they're not gonna fix the guys' tire, Pip.

Pip no but — they could've. anyway.

Maeve Benny read the paper after.

Bram oh — yeah, yeah, and the newspaper says terrorists took credit for the bombs—

Pip bombs the party never set off.

Bram bombs they didn't even — yeah, somebody's out there claiming the party's bombs.

Pip that's so funny. wrong terrorists.

Maeve Then Aut.

Pip oh here we go.

Bram Aut! the white guy, the — he's got the grin, the giant grin all the way across, looks like the dip guy from Roger Rabbit—

Pip the judge. Doom.

Bram Judge Doom, yeah, and he goes "I'll answer any question, literally any question, and I'll do you favors—"

Pip leave a door unlocked, that kind of favor.

Bram anything, any question in the world, and the party goes... uhh.

Pip nothing. they got nothing.

Bram they couldn't think of ANYTHING they wanted to know.

Pip which is — okay, this is my whole thing—

Maeve Here it comes.

Pip Johnny — JOHNNY — has a god who stopped answering him, right, stopped picking up the phone, and there's a guy in front of him who will answer any question, and he doesn't ask "hey why'd my god ghost me?"

Bram in fairness—

Pip there's no fairness! it's the one question he's been carrying the whole campaign and he just—

Maeve He didn't trust Aut.

Pip nobody should trust Aut, that's not the point, the point is you ask the question and you sift the lie out later—

Bram but that's the thing, taking the deal IS the price, that jacket's morally binding—

Pip oof.

Bram worse. it's merch.

Pip ha—

Bram somebody's gonna take Aut's deal eventually, I'm telling you, it's gonna be Johnny—

Pip it's gonna be Johnny.

Maeve The oath has a price.

Bram the oath has a price, we just haven't found it yet.

Pip and Argyle, meanwhile, faced with a handshake—

Bram considers suicide—

Pip considers suicide. the most Argyle thing. never reads a room in his life.

Bram two Argyles in there, remember, the angel stuffed in the demon—

Pip who was ALSO already named Argyle.

Bram already named Argyle! lazy AND incredible.

Maeve They turned Aut down.

Pip which — admirable restraint or a totally wasted gift, because—

Bram restraint!

Pip it's free information from a god, Bram—

Maeve Devil-adjacent.

Pip devil-adjacent, fine, free information from a devil, and you walk away because you can't think of a question? that's not restraint that's just—

Bram it's being thorough.

Pip it's being out of ideas.

Bram anyway then they get to Ragged Roost and the thing is just—

Pip oh the city.

Bram the city's done. they were there six months ago, it's a mining town, dead, nothing, and now there's a — okay how big was it—

Maeve Three-quarters of a mile wide.

Bram three-quarters of a mile wide, and it's up on legs, like three hundred feet up—

Pip on LEGS.

Bram on legs! it's a city on legs! eight legs a side, all offset, like a — like a centipede, a spider thing—

Maeve Arachnid. Centipede-ish.

Bram and the whole town's in permanent shadow under it, they roll in at four in the afternoon and have to put the headlights on because it's just—

Pip that rules. that's a great image.

Bram and the population sign, this is the bit, the sign used to say two thousand crossed out, then zero—

Maeve Crossed out to zero.

Bram crossed out to zero, and now it says seventy-five thousand.

Pip but nobody's there yet.

Bram nobody's there yet! they're like guest number two!

Maeve Guest two. Hildebrandt was six.

Pip who's Hildebrandt.

Maeve The dragon. Airframe company.

Bram the fortune dragon, runs the flight company, and they tied TWO of their Humvee things to one keystone—

Pip can you do that?

Maeve Apparently.

Bram and there's the — on top of the city there's this big spinning, what'd they call it, the orrery, the astrolabe thing—

Maeve Gyroscopic. Interlocking rings.

Bram rings inside rings inside rings, spinning, and nobody knows what it is, and Johnny goes "hey... doesn't that look like the orrery we found in the basement—"

Pip Tywelwyn's.

Bram Tywelwyn's basement, the guy they killed, his fane had one—

Pip okay but is that a real clue or is Johnny just—

Bram I think it's real.

Pip or is he just seeing the last dungeon everywhere he goes, because that's a thing people do—

Maeve It looked like it.

Pip it LOOKED like it, sure, lots of things have rings—

Bram it's a clue. I'd bet on it.

Pip you'd bet on a totaled car, your bets are—

Bram that car was a TACTICAL loss—

Maeve There's a harlequin with leashed devils at the gate.

Bram oh the harlequin, yeah, walking these little — what are they—

Maeve Orts. Ort-devils.

Bram the orts, lowest devils, basically cattle, semi-sentient, and Anzu rolls a — what was it, a Nature check—

Maeve Twenty-nine.

Bram twenty-nine Nature to clock that they're the bottom-of-the-barrel devils, just farm devils basically—

Pip and the harlequin smells like—

Maeve Sulfur and pennies.

Pip copper pennies, yeah, that detail got me. faint sulfur and copper pennies.

Bram and they winch the car up into the city in a shipping container, and there's a keystone check, and they get sent to berth fourteen—

Pip and the servant.

Bram and the servant! the caped guy, very formal, says you can call me Butler or you can call me Thing—

Pip like Addams Family, Thing—

Bram and the party immediately goes: Chuck.

Pip Chuck!

Bram just Chuck. on the spot.

Pip which — he offers to be called literally anything and they pick the most—

Maeve The most boring name.

Pip the most aggressively boring name available, Chuck—

Bram I think Chuck's respectful in a way—

Pip how is Chuck respectful—

Bram it's familiar! it's affectionate—

Pip he offered Butler, a dignified title, and Thing, a fun bit, and they went with the name of a guy who does your taxes—

Maeve He didn't seem to mind.

Pip he's a servant, he's not gonna say.

Bram and then — oh, hang on, can I get another one of these—

Pip get me one too.

Bram —two of these when you get a sec, thanks — okay so then the actual ritual, the keystone, this is the big one—

Maeve The plot of land.

Bram they've got a plot of land aboard, ground rights, and there's a magic circle inscribed, and they put the keystone down in it, and Benny does the honors—

Pip eyes closed.

Bram eyes closed AND he runs away after he activates it—

Pip which is the correct response to a magic bomb you don't understand, honestly—

Bram and it sucks all four of them into this — void, a starscape, like a black space full of stars, on a dais—

Maeve Benny crit perception to get there first.

Bram a thirty-four perception, front row seat to the void, lucky him—

Pip front row to getting your saves shredded, we'll get there—

Bram and the placeholder token for the keystone looked exactly like Mysterio's helmet—

Pip the fishbowl.

Bram the green fishbowl, yeah, just floating there—

Maeve Then the thoughts came up.

Bram thoughts! little ghost guys, purple ones and orange ones, rising up off the platforms around them and converging—

Maeve Purple void. Orange star.

Bram purple's void, orange's star, and the deal is you've gotta match the color to feed it in—

Pip how'd they even figure that out—

Maeve Anzu theorized it.

Bram Anzu called it, you have to be the right alignment to even affect the matching thoughts, and you tug the tether—

Maeve One action to swap.

Bram one action, tug the tether, and the whole keystone flips orange to purple or back, so every kill is a choice, you're tilting the thing—

Pip and Benny wanted to just lock one color and farm.

Maeve Lock void. Farm essence.

Bram Benny's whole bit was "turn-based decorating," he kept calling it decorating—

Pip ha, because—

Bram because he's picking which thoughts become, like, house servants, which ones you keep—

Pip see and the void plan, the lock-void plan, that's where you get the cool sinister heart, that's the—

Bram did they though? because—

Maeve It ended star.

Bram it ended STAR-tilted, that's the thing, after ALL the void setup it came out the other way—

Pip how does that even happen, you set up void and it goes—

Maeve Eleven star, seven void.

Pip eleven to seven STAR? after all that? that's a build going wrong in real time—

Bram I think they just kept matching whatever spawned instead of committing—

Pip that's so them again, no commitment, no follow-through—

Bram but it's a long fight, twenty of these things plus the two big ones—

Maeve Fractured Ideals.

Bram the Fractured Ideals, the two spellcaster ones, and those things resisted basically everything—

Maeve Except force, ghost touch, vitality.

Bram yeah those three got through, everything else just bounced—

Pip and meanwhile Benny.

Bram oh, Benny.

Pip Benny's having the worst night of his life.

Bram Benny failed every will save in the building, every single one—

Maeve Crushing Despair. Phantasmal Killer.

Bram Crushing Despair, Phantasmal Killer, he's slowed, he's frightened, he's sobbing—

Pip he's literally sobbing uncontrollably—

Bram sobbing! and STILL critting in melee—

Pip that's the thing, he's crying and landing crits, his Falcata leeches twenty-five healing—

Maeve Twenty-five.

Bram and Benny goes "just what I needed, a little snack"—

Pip while weeping. it's incredible. it's a fragile-will build though, right, that's not bad luck—

Bram it's a LITTLE bad luck—

Pip that's four failed saves, that's a stat problem, that's not—

Maeve It was a few.

Pip it was a lot.

Bram and somebody quips that killing the caster doesn't even stop the spell, like Phantasmal Killer just keeps going—

Pip right, it's already cast, the guy can die—

Bram so Benny's just stuck, no actions, crying—

Maeve Argyle got crit too.

Bram oh the crit on Argyle! the natural twenty by — by like, the lowest thing on the board—

Maeve A zero.

Bram a ZERO, a thing called zero rolls a natural twenty on Argyle, and Argyle goes "that bitch got a twenty! that SON of a bitch!"

Pip by zero. I've been this size since I was zero days old—

Bram ha—

Pip somebody had to.

Bram and Anzu — Anzu's sure strike MISSES, which shouldn't even—

Maeve Sure Strike missed.

Pip how do you miss with Sure Strike—

Bram but then the re-roll, the mythic telekinetic thing, turns into a crit, and they named the rock—

Maeve Dwayne the Rock Johnson.

Bram Dwayne the Rock Johnson! the telekinetic projectile, named on the spot—

Pip okay but the real MVP—

Bram the gingerbread house.

Pip the gingerbread house.

Bram Johnny had this — an unopened gingerbread house kit, like a magic item—

Maeve Level six.

Bram level six gingerbread house, and he uses it as a focus to cast — "Ode to a Gingerbread House"—

Pip and just talks an enemy into being stupid—

Maeve Stupefied.

Bram filibusters it! just goes on and on about the gingerbread house until the thing is stupefied—

Pip that's the MVP, not Benny's snack sword—

Bram I mean Benny did clear half the board crying—

Pip anyone can clear a board, not everyone can defeat a monster with a craft project—

Bram and they stacked everything, Benediction, Bless, the — Dirge of Doom—

Maeve Frightened on everything.

Bram everything's frightened, everyone's got plus two AC, the enemies just miss and miss and miss—

Pip so it was a stomp.

Bram it was a stomp that FELT scary because Benny was dying inside—

Maeve They cleared all twenty.

Pip and both big ones.

Bram and then the keystone's overfull, and a thought — wordless — asks what do you stand for, what's your ideal—

Pip oh this is where they argued for an hour.

Maeve Knowledge. Justice.

Bram they land on knowledge and justice, with a little — a tinge of self-interest—

Pip the "just us" bit.

Bram the "just us"! somebody keeps saying justice but it's actually "just us," like just for us—

Maeve Partiality.

Pip partiality's the polite word for selfishness, that was the whole gag—

Bram and Argyle wanted "good for the sake of good"—

Pip of course he did. Argyle the self-litigating lawyer wants good for its own sake—

Bram and Johnny wanted knowledge that upholds good, which is different—

Maeve Slightly.

Bram and they're throwing out names, like a hundred names—

Maeve Foresight. Voice of the Few. The Auditor.

Bram the Auditor, the Arbiter, Chronicle, Oracle—

Pip all rejected.

Bram all rejected, and the GM mentions there's a heart called Voice of Many, but only Argyle's character would even know that one—

Maeve From the one-shot.

Bram the one-shot with the — the Shackled Prince guy—

Maeve Sigzil Haight.

Bram Sigzil Haight, the Prince of Shackles, right—

Pip and after ALL that they land on—

Bram Eerie.

Pip Eerie.

Bram because it's "Ear That Hears the Truth," and you nickname it Eerie—

Maeve They steered it to an ear theme.

Pip did they land it or did they just give up—

Bram it's on-theme!

Pip it's on theme but it's also "we've been at this forty minutes can we please—"

Bram and its first words are "Greetings. I am Eerie. You have created me."

Pip that's a good first line.

Maeve It's a scrolling parchment. Seismograph thing.

Bram yeah it's this big — like a seismograph, paper scrolling out, and the text resolves into a FACE—

Pip creepy.

Bram eerie, you might say—

Pip don't.

Bram and then it builds the Fane, the house, and you get a bedroom and a kitchen mandatory, and you pick a third room—

Maeve Workshop.

Bram workshop, over the hot tub—

Pip Johnny wanted the hot tub SO bad—

Bram Johnny lobbied HARD for the hot tub, the whole session basically—

Pip and they shot him down for a workshop.

Bram well the star tilt gives you the breakfast bonus in the kitchen, five temp HP—

Maeve And a crafting discount in the workshop.

Bram so the workshop's practical, but—

Pip but the hot tub's the soul of the house, Bram—

Bram it's not—

Pip a home needs a hot tub. that's not a tactical opinion that's a—

Bram and the heart wants to be FED, it eats magic items to grow—

Maeve Like Gale.

Bram like Gale from Baldur's Gate, the GM said, you feed it items and it grows another room—

Pip wait does it explode if you don't feed it—

Maeve The GM said that. Then said it wasn't true.

Bram he walked it back, he was joking about the month-until-it-explodes thing—

Pip this is how people get radicalized.

Bram ha—

Pip I love and fear that man.

Bram and Argyle floats some rune-laundering exploit—

Pip of course he does.

Bram and the GM goes "no, the devs are watching you play, we're actively patching that"—

Pip Argyle finds the loophole in the actual rules now, not just his own oaths—

Bram and Johnny — this is great — Johnny wants to feed the level six gingerbread house to the heart to unlock a fourth room, a library—

Pip NO.

Bram a library!

Pip you don't sacrifice the gingerbread house, it just WON the fight—

Bram it's a magic item, it's worth a room—

Pip it's a war hero, Bram, you don't eat the war hero—

Bram and meanwhile he ALSO set it up as a decoy gatehouse—

Maeve A fake house on the path.

Bram a fake gingerbread house at the front so people hit that first before the real house—

Pip so is he keeping it or eating it, pick one—

Bram I — both? I think he wants both—

Pip that's Johnny.

Bram and Benny offers a Crushing Rune to feed it, and Argyle's got a — a pickled demon tongue spell heart—

Maeve Both too low.

Bram both too low level on their own, so they don't—

Pip build me a hood out of a box of scraps in a cave—

Bram ha, we're hot rod people now—

Pip we are NOT hot rod people, we threw the hood in a ditch—

Bram that was the ROOF—

Maeve It was the roof.

Bram thank you—

Pip and Chuck shows back up at the end, right—

Bram Chuck comes back, congratulates them, lists all the amenities, confirms the Master audience—

Maeve Six days till departure.

Bram six days, and a banquet the night they get off—

Pip and he gives them a little—

Maeve A figurine. Crush it to summon him.

Bram a crushable Chuck figurine, you squish it and he comes—

Pip that's so grim, you crush a little man to call the big man—

Bram it's convenient—

Pip it's a voodoo doll of your butler—

Bram and the Master audience, the one-on-one, casual—

Pip which they requested. casual audience with the city god.

Bram I mean it's not — is the Master the city or—

Maeve We don't know yet.

Bram we don't know yet, fair—

Pip I still can't get over the question thing.

Bram the Aut thing? you're back on—

Pip any question in the world and Johnny's god is RIGHT THERE not answering and he—

Bram I KNOW—

Pip six days on a walking city and that's the thing I'm gonna be thinking about—

Bram you say that every week about a different—

Pip this one's different, this one's—

Maeve It's the same.

Pip ...it's a little the same.

Bram anyway the heart's named, the house is up, they've got a workshop and no hot tub—

Pip tragically no hot tub—

Bram and there's a banquet coming, so—

Pip so Johnny's gonna eat the gingerbread house.

Bram he's gonna eat the gingerbread house.

Maeve Probably.

Bram you... you kind of had to be there for the crying-and-critting thing though, that doesn't—

Pip it really doesn't land out loud.

Bram it doesn't, it was — he was just SOBBING—

Pip anyway.